Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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