please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
