I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
