The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I forget how to act sober
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
