I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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