is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
