Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
