if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
