my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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