My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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