I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
