i think my tv is drunk
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
