Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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