I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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