So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
