gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
