We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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