I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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