oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
