You made me cry and you don't even care
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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