Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
