I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
