I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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