Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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