Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
