I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wish I only lived at night.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
