I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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