Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
