hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
