Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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