Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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