I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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