So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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