if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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