I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
