My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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