Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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