I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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