then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
