i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
