She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
