New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
