I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
