I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
