my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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