i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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