I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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