he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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