I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
