she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
