Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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