I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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