oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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