He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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