Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
