matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
