A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
