omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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