Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
